Beautiful Trauma

I never thought I would be in this pit. I never thought I would need to lean on my friends so heavily. I never thought this would happen to me.

My entire life, I have always felt like I had it all pulled together. On the outside, I exuded perfectionist and achiever qualities while my mental health was slowly dying inside. I thought I hit rock bottom when I left my fiance in September 2020, but my life has come to a screeching halt in July 2021.

In June, I chose to admit myself to the hospital. I remember this vividly. I was in an extreme state of mania and could not sleep. I chose to watch some stand up comedy, and soon realized it was the comedian’s farewell tour because from the looks of it, it reminded me so much of a funeral. I thought to myself, “Why do all the super talented, highly intelligent individuals chose to end their lives?” Particularly, I was thinking of the 27 club of Hollywood as well as my oldest brother Carl.

Upon that correlation, I chose to drive myself to the hospital. Being who I am, and always being prepared, I tried to stop at my storage unit. Only to find out, that my storage unit is not open at 5am. I then pack a backpack and tried calling a friend. Initially, my friend did not answer and I called the suicide prevention hotline. My manic thoughts were so disorganized I needed someone to talk to to help me get to Regions hospital.

You may be wondering why I chose Regions. It was the hospital I knew because my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s there. I park in the first parking spot I find in the ramp that said “patient and visitor parking”. I walk up to the main entrance and the person working at the front desk assumed I worked at the hospital. Once I described I had a mental health crisis, the person became very alert and instructed me to go to the ER. I remember looking down at my shoes, putting one foot in front of the other.

That’s what I know how to do, put one foot in front of the other, and I will continue to do that until my body will not allow me to anymore.

I went to the front desk, and told them who I was and described my condition. I was confused when they didn’t tell me to take a seat. I was prepared with a book to read considering most ER/urgent care visits you are not seen right away. The nurse recognized my puzzled look, and reassured that I would be seen immediately.

I had no idea what I was in for. I was admitted into the psyche ward. I wasn’t allowed to have clothing with strings. I was isolated during meal times. I spoke to doctors that seemed over worked and didn’t seem to care. Coming from a family full of the medical field, I knew once they started me on medicine that worked, I needed to get out of there.

That is when I tripped. I had a few days in between hospital visits where I was somewhat stable, but my mania still was not under control. I explain my mania as my brain is going at 100 MPH when my eyes are open. I’m constantly correlating two things together, that leads down a tangented path that finds unique and obscure similarities.

I thought about my oldest brother Carl often during this time. He chose to end his life at 32. I’m 30 years old and thought I made it to the other side when I was discharged from the hospital the first time. I was wrong.

I stayed up for 36 hours and ended up in Uptown Minneapolis. The employees of a loft apartment building called EMS. I then was admitted to the M Health Fairview.

My second admittance was much worse than my first. I thought my rock bottom was September 2020, then I thought it was June 2021, and now I am ashamed to admit July 2021 is my rock bottom. I stayed in the ER and the Hospital from June 30-July 15. I cannot even begin to write and process everything that happened in that psyche ward. I remember being so angry that they did not seem to care I had plans to move to Texas by the 15th, that this was putting me out of work, that I was in an incubator with triggering people.

I am now in my rock bottom. I have been out of work for the majority of this summer so far, and am struggling to make ends meet. I am so very fortunate I have some really great friends that are allowing me to stay with them. It’s something else when you look at your bank account in sheer terror trying to figure out how you’re going to pay your student loans, insurance, and other bills on top of it. I already received a bill from one of my hospital stays and it is over $2,200. I am truly at a loss for my finances. That is why, I am asking for support. Truly anything helps. I am happy to provide services such as personal training, meal plan consultation, goal setting, etc.

If you chose to support now – you will be first on the list to receive my memoir that goes into detail of the beautiful trauma of my life. Losing my brother, losing my mom, being in an abusive relationship, while finding light in each and everyday.

One thought on “Beautiful Trauma

  1. Sandy Doubek says:


    You are brave and you are strong. Those of us who fight like hell to heal with our mental health issues are survivors. Never stop healing your wounds and your traumas. Life is worth it. Please reach out to me if there is anything I can do for you.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s