The Gap

I’m in what I call, “The Gap.” The gap in between survival and living. A bigger gap would be between survival and thriving. First, I must say I am so incredibly grateful for those that read and showed support in my initial blog post requesting help.

I have a gap of receiving help. I ran into an error with PayPal, and now those that donated within the first hour of me posting, I’m only able to access those funds once January 2020 arrives (in 180 days). This puts me into a big bind.

Another pickle I’m dealing with is my storage unit. Had I not been hospitalized for the second time, my ducks would be in a row and I would likely be living in El Paso, TX. Once my father kicked me out, I knew it would be necessary for me to house my belongings in a unit until July 15th rolled around. I went and signed a 3 month term that paid through Aug 1, 2021. I also updated the storage unit company I’d be moving out on the 15th.

I’m still taking things day by day, some days are minute by minute. I’m trying to find the joy in each day when the “gap” can feel so miserable at times. The thought crossed my mind of posting on craigslist a “moving out” sale and getting the majority of my belongings out of the unit. I have already put a decent amount of items up on facebook marketplace.

I’m just really at a loss of what am I to do next. The financial stress is making my other stress 10x worse. I’m happy to say I finally will be returning to work next Monday (a week later than I had hoped). I also got a new job as a bartender at a VFW today, and I’ll start in late August. I also picked up a few event shifts for my promo gig I used to work as well.

I know I am doing the right things to get me to where I need to be, but it is absolutely paralyzing being in this gap of where I am, and where I want to be. I have no idea how long I’ll be in Minnesota, I have no idea how long I’ll stay in my current living situation, all I know is I am putting one foot in front of the other. I’m sincerely trying my best, and I know that is all I can do.

My goal while I was in the hospital was to be patient while I was a patient. Now I must be patient as I am waiting for returns to process, disputed charges to process, to get back to work, etc. I only can control how I behave and think each day. There’s a fine line to discern between when you must be patient, and when you must be aggressive for yourself.

I learned today that while I was feeling my lows, I didn’t want to give up the power the lows had on me. However, in reality, those lows were enslaving me. It is easier said than done, but focusing on the positives is really what is helping me survive. I have gas in my tank, I have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, and probably the best dog in the entire planet (yes, I know I am biased).

If this post speaks to you, and you’d like to support, my personal PayPal link is as follows: https://paypal.me/annierathman?locale.x=en_US

Love and light to everyone experiencing their own gap. The beauty is in the journey.

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