Anticipation can be overwhelming. Anticipation is what drove me to procrastinate getting out of my bed this morning and doing my morning routine before an 8am call. This is a large “warning sign” of depression for me.
What I was anticipating was working a job the I have been feeling like it sucks the energy out of me. This is a lot of mindset work I must work on. I need to appreciate the fact I have a job that gives me benefits and pays well.
It feels as if anticipation is my baseline. I am almost thinking anticipation could be synonymous with worry. In some cases it can, but I think it can also be synonymous with excitement. Nervous energy. This is one big feedback loop I deal with.
I’m anxious and nervous about my first week back to work, so I almost sabotage myself into not making the morning meeting. However my perfectionist roots are deeply rooted so there’s no way I’d miss the meeting.
I’m reading a new book called, “Healing is the New High,” and it’s teaching me to let go. Easier said than done. My conditioned behaviors started when I was a child and were reinforced during my adult years. Everyday is a new chance to try to be a little bit better, even if you start off with debilitating procrastination.
Love & Light,