Be anxious about nothing. That is the hardest thing for me to do. I have had the need and desire to always control my life. Where I’m working, what I’m going to eat, where I am going to workout, what place my friends will go to hang out, etc. My life has been completely flipped upside down and my previous plans. I honestly think being in control is part of my “addiction” in life. Or perhaps its part of a coping mechanism.
There is a specific trauma I want to write about today that my brain hasn’t brought up in quite some time. It is the trauma of my middle school years. I honestly don’t even know where to start. All I really remember is logging into AOL and instant messaging my “friends”. Soon, I started to receive harassing messaging from different screen names that would call me fat, ugly, and call out the gap in my front teeth. They would tell me they hate me, and then tell me to kill myself. They would message life would be better if I did kill myself. I remember looking at “friend’s” buddy profiles and see “IHAR” at the bottom which stood for an acronym of I Hate Anne Rathman.
I remember my mom dropping me off at a football game, and I can’t remember if I was planning on meeting up with someone or if I was just going there alone, but even before I got into the game I remember someone screaming to my face, “IHAR! IHAR!” To this day, I have no idea what I did to deserve to be treated that way. All I knew from then on, is that I desperately wanted to be liked and accepted by other people.
I felt so alone, I remember getting lunch and eating it in the art room because I didn’t want to eat alone in front of everyone else. I already felt like a loser, I didn’t want people to stare and subject myself to even more ridicule and harassment.
This is where my perfectionism started to deeply root even further. I dug myself into figure skating. I did everything in my power to get better at the sport, this was the perfect distraction for me because I felt so hated in school. Figure skating allowed me the ability to feel free, and give me a reason to practice to get good at something, and give me a reason to be excited about life.
People pleasing has been something I have the hardest time letting go because I have this adamant desire to be liked, or in reality, this adamant desire to not be hated. In church this morning over and over again there was this concept of surrender. Surrender your desires everyday, moment, step, minute. This is all up to God. There is a reason as to why all of this has happened to me. I know I am being molded and transformed into a vessel for God’s plan. I have to give up my desires and surrender it over to him. Yes, I have gone through quite a bit in my life, but I understand there is a meaning for all of this.
This week my intention is not only to be anxious about nothing, but to surrender. It’s not up to me.