Speaking from my heart

I saw you tonight. Benji was on defense. I stood there shocked as Benji pulled away as you were trying to pet him. Benji was also acting extra protective as we walked around the lake. I felt like I was talking to a different person in real life. I notice that the shorts and T shirt you are wearing were items I bought.

What really was enthralling was telling you stories of my past that he did not hold space for the 3.5 years that I was with you. I remember saying, “I thought people that love me, treat me that way,” quite a few times. I openly share about my love for figure skating and how it gave me a purpose and passion during those years especially. I talk about my mother and father and how old I was when they divorced and how that affected my living situation. I openly speak about the volatile living situation I was in while living in Saint Paul with my Mom and Sister. It’s as if you never took the time to really get to know me before.

It feels like I don’t even know you, who is actually listening to all of my stories of my past, understanding and accepting of them? I could barely even share a feeling yet alone a story with this man before.

I cannot bring myself to have him communicate to Katie and Leo even though you have asked. Last time I saw you, you told me to tell them you say “Hi,” however, when you did go out and meet them in person, you were absolutely silent. This time you told me to tell them “Thanks”. You are appearing to show some sort of remorse.

When I text you, you are saying the perfect words for me to hear. I don’t know why I keep opening the door for communication. It’s as if my brain loves the comfort. I am walking on eggshells, and noticed you did do a few of your passive aggressive mean jokes. You caught yourself right away. But it reminds me that is a red flag. I am not sure the best way to go about our endeavors. I crave the attention and support of someone who knows my family and what I’m going through. However, there are very few people that know my family.

A friend told me, “I am doing a few simple things that help a little bit in some areas over time”. That’s my goal now. One thing at a time.

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