Exactly What I Needed

I am so happy I have a job that allows me to take bereavement leave. This past week has been up and down, time of sorrow and time of joy. As I wrote before, my life always has a way of evening itself out.

Thursday night, I attended an event that I was on the brink of bailing. I was making up excuses and reasons as to why I shouldn’t go, and made up my mind to do something else. Just as I was about to leave the house, I get a message from a friend that was leading the fitness event asking if I would like to be on stage. That was the spark I needed to help me make the decision to go to the event.

I honestly cannot put into words how much this event was exactly what I needed. It was Fitbit Local Minneapolis’ event where it was a combination of HIIT training, Dance, and Yoga. I moved my body, endorphins were released, and ending with yoga put me in a place of peace. After the class, I had so many people come up to me and tell me how I crushed the workout and they were impressed. One guy even said, “Way to be a role model up there for the rest of us”. I was honestly shocked when I heard that. I was thinking, “Who, Me?”

This concept brought me full circle, and remembering why I am doing this fitness journey. I got certified as a personal trainer because I want to help people live healthier lives, and not live their life in pain. I want others to realize they can do all the things, just like I can. I’ll leave you with some amazing pictures from the event.

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Day 24 – Tiger Blood

Today is Day 24 of my Whole30.  I wish I could say I am feeling absolutely fantastic like I typically am days 20-30, but in reality, grief is taking over my typical tiger blood feelings.

It’s been a rough weekend/week for me.  Friday, I get the news my Grandfather passed.  Saturday, we get news that my boyfriend’s relative passed, and we went out of town Sunday – Monday.  Tuesday I went into work and explained what happened, and was granted bereavement for the rest of the week.  Wednesday I go to the gym, and get news that one of the dogs that I loved dearly also passed.  What is it with this week?  How much grief can a girl deal with?

This is definitely impacting how I meal prep.  It is hard for me to find the motivation to determine what I want to make as recipes, and then make my grocery list, shop, and prep.  My hardest part is coming up with the ideas for meals and recipes, usually once I have a list and know what I’m going to make, it is smooth sailing from there.  I guess most of my brain capacity has been commanded by grief.

I am fortunate that the gym I go to has a cafe that is capable of making a Whole30 meal, which is what I had for breakfast on Wednesday.  Tuesday was a hard day eating wise for me since I just came back from out of town, had to explain what happened to my coworkers, and then take Benji to puppy training class.  I was really crossing my fingers that Cub Foods had a “Just Bare” rotisserie chicken left over for me.  However, by the time I got there, around 7:30pm, there wasn’t a single rotisserie chicken left.  I felt a little crushed.  I did decide just to grab a few chicken breast fillets and grill them at home on my little grill pan, and toss with buffalo and ranch (whole30 compliant, of course).

It’s times like these that make Whole30, even more hard.  Whole30 is definitely hard to begin with, but when you had layers and layers of stress onto it, it can guide you off a cliff. Today, I am fully aware of what is happening.  I guess I was always aware of what was happening but I was just letting it happen the past few days… However, today is different.  I will be figuring out a meal plan, I will be grocery shopping, and I will be setting myself up for success.  It’s 100% okay that I am feeling grief, but something that will help me cope and make me feel better, is fueling my body with nutrient dense foods.

Plus, I need to feed my body to keep crushing my goals at the gym.  Below I’ll post a few videos from Wednesday.  This probably isn’t the type of post you’re expecting, usually the last week of Whole30 is more of “oh I feel so absolutely great, here are all of my non-scale victories, everyone I know and their Mom should do a Whole30!”

I try to be as honest and consistent as possible with my posts.  I pour my heart out into these and I explain exactly what I am going through.  And again, I would like to thank you so much for reading.  I am honored you spent time to understand what I am going through.

And now, Wednesday’s Workout Videos:

My last post was absolutely accurate, this is what keeps me, me.  If I wasn’t working out, I would not be in a good headspace for sure.

That’s it for today, have a wonderful day.

What Keeps Me, Me.

Life always takes us by surprise. Just when you think everything is going great, there is something that pulls the rug out from underneath you. It knocks you of your feet and you need to figure out how to stand back up again. I’ve noticed my life is a little bit of a rollercoaster, that somehow balances itself out. I say this because whenever something very bad happens, something equally good happens in a short time proximity.

This past week I have been dealing with a lot. I always am dealing with the hardship of my Mother, as her mind slowly gets taken away from her. Piece by piece, day by day. It’s hard to out into words how you witness such a strong beautiful woman who had it all together, decline into a form where she no longer can go to the bathroom.

Layering on that, my Grandpa has been declining rapidly on a slippery slope. And with a heavy heart, I will share he passed away on Friday night.

Grief is such a vast topic, everyone grieves differently and there’s different types of grief. With my Mom, I call this ambigious grief. I grieved her the day she got her diagnosis, and every day beyond that.

I had shocking, sideswiping, rug pulled out from underneath me grief, when my oldest brother passed away. I couldn’t believe it, and went through a longer denial stage of grief.

With my Grandpa, I’m not saying it was any easier, but he was 95 years old, and his last week was in the hospital. We knew his time has come.

If you search grief in Google, you’ll maybe discover the Kübler-Ross model, otherwise known as the 5 stages of grief. They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

These are general stages, I do not believe everyone grieves in this perfect order. I do firmly agree with the model on the last stage of grief is acceptance.

With my Grandpa, it was much easier to get to acceptance. I think what made this easy, is the night of his passing, he visited me in my dreams. This was so very special and I absolutely cherish it.

Thinking about my brother, it took a long time for me to get to acceptance. Even when you may think you’re at acceptance, that doesn’t mean you will never have a STUG: Subsequent Temporary Upsurge of Grief.

For example, whenever I hear the band Green Day I think of him. Funny enough, when I hear someone say the word “moron” I think of him. There are other things I could list out, but I believe you get the point.

Grieving my Mom is very hard to explain. Her physical body is still here, and I am her legal guardian. I don’t have a Mother I can go shopping with, or talk about boys, get pedicures, etc. I do have my Mother’s physical body here on Earth, and I’m not sure where her mind and spirit have gone.

This is why I call her grief ambigious, it truly is hard to explain. I’m at acceptance in the sense that I know Alzheimer’s is the 6th leading cause of death, there’s no cure, no treatment, and we know little about the disease in general. What is interesting is how I am grieving her soul and spirit, and I will have a different experience when her time comes.

To wrap all of this together, I want to bring up the concept of a Mind-Body link. Your mind is 100% linked to your body, and will affect your output if your mind isn’t in a good stage. For me, there’s also an inverse relationship of this. It helps keep my mind at ease, if I push my body. I cope by keeping up with my workouts, meditating, and nourishing my body with foods that make it happy.

I let my coach know what happened Friday evening, and she was surprised I was at Sunday Conditioning. Without hesitation, I said, “This is what keeps me, me”. I know who I am, and I need to workout to keep my mind right. I have two short videos to share of the workout I did Saturday morning.

This was a special workout since I was working out not just to get stronger, but to focus my mind, and to cope. I video-ed some Step-Ups and Glute Abduction.

I also have good metrics to report on my check-in. This is Check In #3, and while I have lost a total of 2 inches, and the number on the scale went down short of two pounds, I will post my pictures because that’s where I do see the true body composition change.
Weight: 142.5 lbs

  • Chest: 36″
  • Waist: 27.5″
  • Butt: 37.5″
  • Thigh: 22″
  • Bicep: 11″

Again, I’d like to close with gratitude. My last post about fear preformed really well. I am honored and grateful you have read this. Thank you.

How Fear is Your Most Powerful Emotion

Often times, fear can be such a debilitating emotion.  It can harbor us from doing so many things.  It can keep us in bed instead of experience life and joy to its fullest.  It can keep us in our shells instead of flourishing into the greatness that we all have inside of us.

So let me ask you this, how much does fear control your life?  Do you let fear get in the way of achieving greatness?  Today, I am here to talk about how you can harness such a powerful emotion, into something positive.  Fear can be a catalyst.  It starts a ripple in your ocean of thoughts.  Do you let that ripple expand and smooth out, or do you welcome the violent rain storm and send your mind spinning down into a hurricane?

fear

I have a few stories to share about how fear has shaped my life personally, and how that emotion has impacted those around me.  My first story to share is about my Grandfather.  I am sorry to report he is not doing well.  He was refusing a pacemaker last week and gave up the will to live.  His pastor stopped by the hospital and asked him a few questions.  She asked if he was afraid of dying, and initially, he reported that he was not afraid of dying and he was ready.  Then she asked him, “So what are you really afraid of then?”  He replied, “Well… I guess the anesthesia”.  To give a little background, his wife, my Grandmother, went under general anesthesia twice in a very close proximity.  This resulted in detrimental effects on her mental health, and ultimately she passed away spring time of last year.  When my Grandfather was under the impression he wanted to die, he told my Dad, “When a spouse dies, typically the other spouse goes in a year….Man, I do not have much time left”.

At this point, the pastor knew the background of the anesthesia with my Grandmother and then pointed out to my Grandfather, “So you are afraid of dying from the anesthesia then?” Then, my Grandfather responded matter-of-factly, “Well, yeah!” “So you do want a pacemaker then?” “Well yeah put one of those things in me”.

It was just like that.  The pastor was able to find his fear, and harness it for positivity.  She was able to change his heart and uncover his true will to live.

Many people are afraid of failure, rejection, public speaking, heights, clowns, etc.  Fear that I struggle with is failure.  I am very competitive in nature, and I want to do the best I possible can do.  I am a high performer, and if I know I didn’t follow through with something, or I fail, this is something that will get to me.  Fear, is actually the reason why I didn’t want to compete in a body building show for the past two years.  I witnessed my roommate compete in shows, and I didn’t understand how the judging worked.  Everything seemed so subjective to me.  I feared putting in so much time and effort, and not even making “call backs” or whatever the second level is truly called.

This year, I changed my definition of success, I am not judging my success on obtaining a trophy or a place in the show.  Success for me will be my journey, becoming the best I have ever been, and adhering diligently to the plan my coach lays out.  My fear has been harnessed to push me into my next level of excellence in fitness.  I cannot put into words how excited I am for this, and I am excited that I am doing this, solely for me.  I often find I put so much time and effort into pleasing or doing things for others.  I have to truly work at and ensure I book time for my own self care.

I’ll end with the last story I have about fear.  Early on in my life, I would say around the time I was in middle school, I was talking to my Father about something that scared me.  I honestly remember this moment so vividly, it was a very pivotal part in my way of thinking.  I was riding in his pick-up truck, explaining how I was afraid of doing something. With the most confident voice he could ever have, he said to me, “Anne, you can do anything you put your mind to”.

(Yes, I asked to be called Anne from age 10-27, and still do in the professional world; I’ll write about that in another post).

I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.

My Dad has been my biggest cheerleader and motivator throughout my life.  At that moment he told me that, something clicked.  I honestly believed him.  I thought, “Yes, I am a Rathman, I can do anything”.  When fear comes creeping in, the moment I am thinking, “I can’t”, I hear my Dad, “Yes, you can”.  Fear is deep, but if you dig deep down and harness it, you can use that emotion to slingshot you into something you may never thought you could do before.

I’ll close with this final thought.  Please use your most powerful emotion as a catalyst for positivity.  You will surprise yourself of what you are capable of.

Check In #2

Day 15 Whole30, and I am half way there!

Every Tuesday I provide check-in stats to my coach, and below are my metrics:

Weight: 144.3 lbs

Measurements:

  • Chest: 36″
  • Waist: 27.5″
  • Butt: 38″
  • Thigh: 22″
  • Bicep: 11″

I’ve decided to not upload my progress pictures because there isn’t a noticeable difference between last week. There isn’t a huge noticeable difference in my weight either, in one week it went down 1.3lbs.

What is something to note, is my difference of inches compared to last week. I am down a full inch in my waist, a 1/2 inch in my thigh, and a half inch in my butt.

This goes to show, that the number on the scale does not reflect the full and true result of your body composition change.

I am happy to see that I am thriving with my workouts and eating Whole30. I don’t feel the full effects of tiger blood, but here are a few of my “non-scale victories” I’ve felt already:

  • Falling asleep faster
  • Better quality of sleep
  • Whiter eyes
  • Waking up easier
  • Going to the tightest loop on my belt
  • My once tight work pants now fit well

I am excited to see what next week will bring, and my full metrics from Whole30. I am half way there, and I’ve said this almost every day I’ve talked about Whole30, it’s not that bad.

I think a huge game changer for me has been meditation. My coach suggested downloading headspace, and I can’t put into words how much more at ease I feel. I love the image below, it changed my view of meditation. I thought when I meditate, my mind should be clear and I should squash all thoughts that circle my mind. But in reality, I should just acknowledge that was a thought, and be at ease with it and let it go.

I will now sign of with gratitude. I truly appreciate if you are reading this and welcome all comments. I am honored you are reading what I write. Thank you.