Day 24 – Tiger Blood

Today is Day 24 of my Whole30.  I wish I could say I am feeling absolutely fantastic like I typically am days 20-30, but in reality, grief is taking over my typical tiger blood feelings.

It’s been a rough weekend/week for me.  Friday, I get the news my Grandfather passed.  Saturday, we get news that my boyfriend’s relative passed, and we went out of town Sunday – Monday.  Tuesday I went into work and explained what happened, and was granted bereavement for the rest of the week.  Wednesday I go to the gym, and get news that one of the dogs that I loved dearly also passed.  What is it with this week?  How much grief can a girl deal with?

This is definitely impacting how I meal prep.  It is hard for me to find the motivation to determine what I want to make as recipes, and then make my grocery list, shop, and prep.  My hardest part is coming up with the ideas for meals and recipes, usually once I have a list and know what I’m going to make, it is smooth sailing from there.  I guess most of my brain capacity has been commanded by grief.

I am fortunate that the gym I go to has a cafe that is capable of making a Whole30 meal, which is what I had for breakfast on Wednesday.  Tuesday was a hard day eating wise for me since I just came back from out of town, had to explain what happened to my coworkers, and then take Benji to puppy training class.  I was really crossing my fingers that Cub Foods had a “Just Bare” rotisserie chicken left over for me.  However, by the time I got there, around 7:30pm, there wasn’t a single rotisserie chicken left.  I felt a little crushed.  I did decide just to grab a few chicken breast fillets and grill them at home on my little grill pan, and toss with buffalo and ranch (whole30 compliant, of course).

It’s times like these that make Whole30, even more hard.  Whole30 is definitely hard to begin with, but when you had layers and layers of stress onto it, it can guide you off a cliff. Today, I am fully aware of what is happening.  I guess I was always aware of what was happening but I was just letting it happen the past few days… However, today is different.  I will be figuring out a meal plan, I will be grocery shopping, and I will be setting myself up for success.  It’s 100% okay that I am feeling grief, but something that will help me cope and make me feel better, is fueling my body with nutrient dense foods.

Plus, I need to feed my body to keep crushing my goals at the gym.  Below I’ll post a few videos from Wednesday.  This probably isn’t the type of post you’re expecting, usually the last week of Whole30 is more of “oh I feel so absolutely great, here are all of my non-scale victories, everyone I know and their Mom should do a Whole30!”

I try to be as honest and consistent as possible with my posts.  I pour my heart out into these and I explain exactly what I am going through.  And again, I would like to thank you so much for reading.  I am honored you spent time to understand what I am going through.

And now, Wednesday’s Workout Videos:

My last post was absolutely accurate, this is what keeps me, me.  If I wasn’t working out, I would not be in a good headspace for sure.

That’s it for today, have a wonderful day.

What Keeps Me, Me.

Life always takes us by surprise. Just when you think everything is going great, there is something that pulls the rug out from underneath you. It knocks you of your feet and you need to figure out how to stand back up again. I’ve noticed my life is a little bit of a rollercoaster, that somehow balances itself out. I say this because whenever something very bad happens, something equally good happens in a short time proximity.

This past week I have been dealing with a lot. I always am dealing with the hardship of my Mother, as her mind slowly gets taken away from her. Piece by piece, day by day. It’s hard to out into words how you witness such a strong beautiful woman who had it all together, decline into a form where she no longer can go to the bathroom.

Layering on that, my Grandpa has been declining rapidly on a slippery slope. And with a heavy heart, I will share he passed away on Friday night.

Grief is such a vast topic, everyone grieves differently and there’s different types of grief. With my Mom, I call this ambigious grief. I grieved her the day she got her diagnosis, and every day beyond that.

I had shocking, sideswiping, rug pulled out from underneath me grief, when my oldest brother passed away. I couldn’t believe it, and went through a longer denial stage of grief.

With my Grandpa, I’m not saying it was any easier, but he was 95 years old, and his last week was in the hospital. We knew his time has come.

If you search grief in Google, you’ll maybe discover the Kübler-Ross model, otherwise known as the 5 stages of grief. They are:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

These are general stages, I do not believe everyone grieves in this perfect order. I do firmly agree with the model on the last stage of grief is acceptance.

With my Grandpa, it was much easier to get to acceptance. I think what made this easy, is the night of his passing, he visited me in my dreams. This was so very special and I absolutely cherish it.

Thinking about my brother, it took a long time for me to get to acceptance. Even when you may think you’re at acceptance, that doesn’t mean you will never have a STUG: Subsequent Temporary Upsurge of Grief.

For example, whenever I hear the band Green Day I think of him. Funny enough, when I hear someone say the word “moron” I think of him. There are other things I could list out, but I believe you get the point.

Grieving my Mom is very hard to explain. Her physical body is still here, and I am her legal guardian. I don’t have a Mother I can go shopping with, or talk about boys, get pedicures, etc. I do have my Mother’s physical body here on Earth, and I’m not sure where her mind and spirit have gone.

This is why I call her grief ambigious, it truly is hard to explain. I’m at acceptance in the sense that I know Alzheimer’s is the 6th leading cause of death, there’s no cure, no treatment, and we know little about the disease in general. What is interesting is how I am grieving her soul and spirit, and I will have a different experience when her time comes.

To wrap all of this together, I want to bring up the concept of a Mind-Body link. Your mind is 100% linked to your body, and will affect your output if your mind isn’t in a good stage. For me, there’s also an inverse relationship of this. It helps keep my mind at ease, if I push my body. I cope by keeping up with my workouts, meditating, and nourishing my body with foods that make it happy.

I let my coach know what happened Friday evening, and she was surprised I was at Sunday Conditioning. Without hesitation, I said, “This is what keeps me, me”. I know who I am, and I need to workout to keep my mind right. I have two short videos to share of the workout I did Saturday morning.

This was a special workout since I was working out not just to get stronger, but to focus my mind, and to cope. I video-ed some Step-Ups and Glute Abduction.

I also have good metrics to report on my check-in. This is Check In #3, and while I have lost a total of 2 inches, and the number on the scale went down short of two pounds, I will post my pictures because that’s where I do see the true body composition change.
Weight: 142.5 lbs

  • Chest: 36″
  • Waist: 27.5″
  • Butt: 37.5″
  • Thigh: 22″
  • Bicep: 11″

Again, I’d like to close with gratitude. My last post about fear preformed really well. I am honored and grateful you have read this. Thank you.

Check In #2

Day 15 Whole30, and I am half way there!

Every Tuesday I provide check-in stats to my coach, and below are my metrics:

Weight: 144.3 lbs

Measurements:

  • Chest: 36″
  • Waist: 27.5″
  • Butt: 38″
  • Thigh: 22″
  • Bicep: 11″

I’ve decided to not upload my progress pictures because there isn’t a noticeable difference between last week. There isn’t a huge noticeable difference in my weight either, in one week it went down 1.3lbs.

What is something to note, is my difference of inches compared to last week. I am down a full inch in my waist, a 1/2 inch in my thigh, and a half inch in my butt.

This goes to show, that the number on the scale does not reflect the full and true result of your body composition change.

I am happy to see that I am thriving with my workouts and eating Whole30. I don’t feel the full effects of tiger blood, but here are a few of my “non-scale victories” I’ve felt already:

  • Falling asleep faster
  • Better quality of sleep
  • Whiter eyes
  • Waking up easier
  • Going to the tightest loop on my belt
  • My once tight work pants now fit well

I am excited to see what next week will bring, and my full metrics from Whole30. I am half way there, and I’ve said this almost every day I’ve talked about Whole30, it’s not that bad.

I think a huge game changer for me has been meditation. My coach suggested downloading headspace, and I can’t put into words how much more at ease I feel. I love the image below, it changed my view of meditation. I thought when I meditate, my mind should be clear and I should squash all thoughts that circle my mind. But in reality, I should just acknowledge that was a thought, and be at ease with it and let it go.

I will now sign of with gratitude. I truly appreciate if you are reading this and welcome all comments. I am honored you are reading what I write. Thank you.

Tough Love

Day 11 of Whole30 – Day #2 of “The Hardest Days” of Whole30. They say day 10 and 11 are the hardest days because it is statistically proven if you quit your Whole30, it is most likely to be on day 10 or 11. There usually isn’t any type of instant gratification when it comes to Whole30. By day 10 & 11, you are pretty invested, you have been significantly changing your lifestyle for about a week and a half, and many people don’t see or feel results. Many people will even step on the scale during this time and get upset that the number hasn’t gone down, and it may have even went up!

One thing I really love about Whole30 is their concept of tough love. Yes Whole30 is hard, but it is not that hard. To quote their tough love (hyperlinked above),

“We know this is hard.

It may not be as physically challenging as birthing a baby or as emotionally draining as the death of a loved one, but changing the way you think about food is hard.” (Whole30 Tough Love).

We look to food when we are happy and celebrating things, when we are sad and need comfort, when we are exhausted and have had a long day, we believe we need some sort of treat to wind down because we deserve it. How do we start changing the way we think about food? We need to start thinking about it in a different way other than just a way to cope with our emotions or the way we feel. I’m not saying to not enjoy and celebrate the food your eating, but to come up with other ways to cope with your emotions.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. I had a long day at work, and then was told some troubling news about my Grandfather. All I wanted to really do is to sit down and have a glass of wine. What I did instead? I enlisted help from my friends and had a friend come over, talk, and hang out. Talking about the things I was dealing with provided me an outlet to process my emotions, rather than eating them.

When we are seeking comfort or relaxation, we need to find a different way to cope rather than taking the tub of cookies and cream ice cream out of the freezer. The way I decided to cope last night was not only keeping me Whole30 compliant, but it was a way for me to talk through and process how I feel. What if we could remove food from the way we deal with our emotions, and then cope with them in a positive way?

This is a big reason why Whole30 says it can change your life. You are changing your relationship with food. You’re breaking your emotional barriers/ties/associations with food. Something I’m actually very excited about is a new purchase. This purchase will elevate a way I cope with emotions and relax. I purchased a bath “caddy” where I can put a book/candle/La Croix/whatever I want to use as I “treat my self” to some relaxation. I plan on using it tonight. If you’re interested, here’s the one I bought (please know this is not an affiliate link, I do not retain any kickback from posting this). However when I opened it up last night, I can attest to the high quality of the material.

I know there’s a wine glass holder, and trust me, I’ll definitely be putting a wine glass in there tonight. However, I will be filling it with bubbly water. I will still feel like I’m “treating” myself because I am using a fancy glass.

SIDE BAR – I also just purchased a yearly subscription to Headspace, which is a guided meditation app. Day 2 of my guided meditation, and it is going well. I’ll be using this app when I am relaxing in the tub tonight for sure. I try to meditate in the morning after I workout. Here’s what today’s meditation left me with:

I think meditation will really help once I start my nutrition prep for my bodybuilding show. Tough love and meditation, that is what will get me though. Oh, and I get by with a little help from my friends. Happy Friday everyone!

We All Start Somewhere

Well it is Day 7 of my Whole30 and I apologize for being quiet on my site. To be honest, the last few days have felt exhausting due to the change my body is going through. My body now is forced to find other sources of energy than sugar and simple carbs. This process depletes your energy levels in the beginning, but in about a week, I will start to feel phenomenal.

I wanted to post some metrics from my InBody scan I had done on New Year’s Eve. Please see below:

As you can note from above, I am starting off strong. I have a significant amount of muscle to start with, but I have a decent amount of fat as well. 23.3% is where I’m starting, and many bikini competitors get their body fat lower than 15%. I have a lot of work to do!

Sunday I had an amazing conditioning class with my coach and I am so honored to be surrounded by so many motivating women!

And that class was no joke, check my Fitbit stats:

I think that is all for now. Just wanted to give a baseline of where I’m starting. I’ll have pictures and measurements taken tomorrow and I may just update my post here.

I’m drinking Bigelow benefits tea right now, it has tumeric, chili, and matcha in it. I was pleasantly surprised to see what it said on the tag:

Calm, well rested, balanced, happy, these are all words we aim to be. But we must remember, we all start somewhere.